| hella shit; |
[Tuesday
August 22nd, 2006] |
basically i spilled my guts out to danny and now we are good but not anything, and thats okay with me as long as he's here i just miss him being with me.
i found kiles necklace.
never again will it leave my neck.
my dads sick again i dont know what to do.
if i lose him i dont know what will happen
my mom wont be able to go on, she'll be a wreck the rest of her life, we'd probably end up in california living will some other family members, my sister would never be the same and everyone would think i had no heart cos i wouldnt be as depressed as them. im not saying i wont cry..and i wont ever forget my dad but i know that hes not too affriad of dying and he'll be happier if we go on with our lives. hes talked about it before, jsut not to my mom cos she freaks out everytime.
hella weird.
i have t owrite an essay on who i am.
my life isnt appropriate for school essays.
what to do ohh what to do.
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[Friday
August 11th, 2006] |
woaah today was weird. kile makes my day.
i cried 3 seperate times. i realize its only cos im on my period i can get more than jsut watery eyes. i thikn i got to like 6 tears. impressive.
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| men are crap |
[Wednesday
August 9th, 2006] |
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each and every single one of them.
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[Tuesday
August 8th, 2006] |
so basically my lifes good but i keep letting this danny bullshit bring me down, and i dont even know why im so upset about this cos there was nothing to begin with, i didnt even LIKE him to begin with.
wth. im dumb. no guys for me i dont care who you are.
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[Sunday
August 6th, 2006] |
pat: its cool yo
pat: you're awesome
L0VE like bebe: que?
pat: you rock
pat: i thought id tell you that
my day is full of all this "i thought i'd let you know" kinda stuff.
this morning i got a message from kile teliing me he likes me alot yada yada and misses me and it ended with "thought i'd let you know"
anyone else got something they'd liek to express to me?
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[Sunday
August 6th, 2006] |
my life is once again great :]
im a happy camper.
i am loved.
and speaking of that.
kile pretty much told me he loves me?
him (11:56:16 PM): and there are so many things i want to say to you but i feel like its kinda sum of those things i need to talk to you about in person
britnieee (11:56:47 PM): more of the reason to come & visit. :]
britnieee (11:56:49 PM): or call me
britnieee (11:56:58 PM): or do you mean in person in person?
him(12:02:34 AM): either or
him (12:02:57 AM): but i would like to see u face to face makes it better on my part
britnieee (12:03:23 AM): ee, should i be worried?
him (12:03:44 AM): no not at all
britnieee (12:04:05 AM): oh okay
britnieee (12:04:06 AM): haha
britnieee (12:04:22 AM): i pictured you beign like " i hate you and i never want to talk to you again."
britnieee (12:04:22 AM): haha.
him (12:04:45 AM): no its like the exact opposite actually.
eeeee.
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[Friday
August 4th, 2006] |
i hate hearing that im "too young"
kile said- if you werent so young i would be dating you.
danny basically made it clear that if i
wasnt so young we could date.
robert says if we lived close
and i was his age
we would go out.
so im pretty sure i'll be single till the day i turn 18 cos i cant stand people my age.
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[Thursday
August 3rd, 2006] |
so basically,
i married robert.
<33
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[Tuesday
August 1st, 2006] |
Xx-NEXT-xX
8/1/2006 8:32 PM
oh my lil firestarter....
you lit a fire under the ass of the dreaded ex....
I <3 YOU....
My lil slice of New Mexican heaven....
; )
that will make me smile for days.
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| eff you. |
[Tuesday
August 1st, 2006] |
Hey girl you know you drive me crazy
One look puts the rhythm in my hand
Still I'll never understand why you hang around
I see what's going down
Cover up with make up in the mirror
Tell yourself it's never gonna happen again
You cry alone and then he swears he loves you
Do you feel like a man when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
As your lies crumble down, a new life she has found
Face down in the dirt she says
This doesn't hurt she says
I finally had enough
One day she will tell you that she has had enough
Its coming round again
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[Wednesday
July 26th, 2006] |
fucking fuck fuck fuck, im so mad about almost everything right now. there was a while in my life when there was absolutley nothign that could bring me down and it seems like this past week all i have been is down. i hate my weight and my body. i hate how i thought i found the perfect guy for me and turns out everthing he told me was fucking fake. i dont know it for a fact but he once told me " your never getting old" well fuck, i guess i did cos you dont even give me the fucking time of day anymore. thanks. he also told me "i usually dont get attached but im already attached to you" its sad how i have hung on to everything he's said to me like it was true. i dont even get it.. one day you were fine and the next it was all fuckign screwed. what is it your so affraid of? that i might actually be something good for you? that maybe this could actually work?! honestly. thanks for being such a god damn fake and showing me that maybe all guys ARE the same. the saddest part of all of this is that if the time comes where you actually want me for real i'll be there.
or maybe i wont.
the worst of it all is my peice of shit for a cusin deicided to jsut fucking come over today. i was sitting outside with chelsea smoking a ciggarette and i see a truck driving up adn i didnt even think anything of it. but then i saw who it was and i ran inside. we locked the doors and i ran up stairs but chelsea and brennen answerd the door. apperently he was looking for my parents who werent there. when they were leaving chelsea said "fucking whore" and slammed the door. brennen said it was kind of like blue balls becos he wanted to kick his ass but didnt. i hate him. but i love chelsea and brennen.
i really dont know what to do with all of this. i realize by letting all of this get to me its not good. but i really dont know what to do. im tierd of acting like nothing phases me but sometimes its the only way i get by.
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| fuck mee |
[Sunday
July 23rd, 2006] |
i am so damn bored right now
its absolutley ridiculous.
i really want to hang otu with danny
but he has hella shit to do
or i want to hang out with chelsea.
but shes doing something.
i really really wanna hang out with danny though,
alkfjklafja!
i miss him so so much.
i havent seen him in like more than 2 weeks.
how ridiculous.
but its cool i suppose
i jsut fucking hate being bored!
its the worst feeling in the world.
especailly when i have hella energy
and no where to go
no one to talk too.
kile and i are talking hella latley.
and today he told me "you know i love ya"
i know hes not saying
"i love you"
but!
thats the clsoets thing to it he has ever said to me
it kind of made my day
then kind of made me sad.
but thats kile for you,
he'll make you feel on top of teh world
then lower than dirt.
well it hasnt been like that since i've been home
he really has changed
i kinda feel bad for him && whats happening with his ex.
he can handle it though.
its true though when they say-
absense makes the heart grow fonder.
cos before i dont think we really knew eachother,
like we knew eachother
but we didnt KNOW eachother.
now we do, and its comforting.
i told him everything about how he made me feel.
i felt alot better.
i feel alot better.
im sure he feels better.
then we spent like 2 hours or more on the phone one night,
talking about everything
life mostly..
it was chill.
i miss him
but i dont get tat same feeling wheni talk to him
maybe its cos im so far away,
or maybe the feelings gone
either way, im good.
and its all that matters.
i drew alot today..
which i really havent done since i've been out of the program.
it was relaxing but kind of made me sad.
i dont know why it made me sad,
but it did.
alot of things are making me sad latley.
and this, this is unusual.
i hope its a phase and i get over it soon.
i still dont cry,
one night i was really upset about my weight
i was taking a shower
and i had to tell myself not to cry.
i really dotn know why i do it.
cos i think it would be refreshing to cry.
but i just wotn let myself..
maybe thats why im getting sad over little things,
cos alot of little things build up.
alot of little things that im not about to post here..
but i'll write in my real journal or something.
blow of some steam.
yeah okay im gonna go.
theee end
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| :] |
[Saturday
July 22nd, 2006] |
daaaaaanny is home.
home home home.
:]
caitlin is comming the 5th yeyeaaaaaaah!
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| alright. |
[Saturday
July 22nd, 2006] |
im donnnne with the alcohol.
at least when im alone.
cos last night was soo shitty, you dont even know.
i wanted to puke so bad but i couldnt,
i kept falling all over hte fucking place,
i called danny which wouldnt be a bad thing but i dont remember what i said to him, or what he said to me
i do remember that hes comming back TODAAAY though.
yeyeyeaaaaah.
so hopefully what we talked about wasnt bad.
theeeeeen i can seee him :]]
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| afaib! |
[Friday
July 21st, 2006] |
so yaweha i am here once agan drunk. this coud be a pronlem.
i have nothing to do sto im jsut liek okay i'll get drink and my fingetrs are so heavy anr i realixrf that ehy ui cant touch the keys.
right
i calekdm danny and i lile him aloot alot andf yeah i hope i dint make a fool of my self and yeahahah
hahaaa. okah fuck manf
shit OH SHIT FUCK
i loce heacvy heavy low ow/ lie no ther!
ooooooh fcul
elsye: o ;pcvve ypu soo mch you ddont eeven know! im so bummed thst you coutldny come tout ehre! oyu owuld er hwew right nw, but i woulnt be drun cso i know that tyyo should nith. and t=wbererything./
robrt:m gald yr in my life you make it ecictine. bug smile!
fucking i really life danny ore maybe its the drunk.
maruve>
i dont know
i was sooo happy to talk to him@!!!
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[Wednesday
July 19th, 2006] |
who am i kidding, im hella depressed.
i keep thinking that if i tell myself im not then i wont be anymore.
i cant lose weight!
well i cant but it isnt working.
thats whats getting me down
i jsut want to be skinny.
i want to be pretty.
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| update :] (& maybe kiles right when he says all good things fade quick) |
[Wednesday
July 19th, 2006] |
well damn, latley i've been talking to kile alot, normally this wouldnt be a good thing but i finally told him how he made me feel and he understanda adn appologized.. adn thats all i ever needed. so im good i suppose.
theres one thing thats getting me down but it will all be over soon.
orrr it will all be starting soon.
elyse isnt comming, it makes me sad but thats okay.
we'll hang out one way or the other. :]
today was, ehhh. brennen had a pretty bad day. and i spilt his energy drink, which was no buneo.. i really cant help how clumsy i am though.. i hate when people get mad or annoyed about it cos i really dont knock over shit on purpose. i wish there was something i could do about this, its embarassing.
clumsy britnie needs to leave.
poise britnie needs to.. come?
what
that makes no sense.
oh well.
tomorrow brennen balls and i are going to jemez to visit chelsea, my lover love love. i miss her tons and tons.
today i saw her and we got a little crazy, im not even gonna lie.
hahahahahahaaa.
im a lesbian nudist.
anyway, fuck i dont know. thats pretty much it i've watched closer 3 items in the past 2 days.
im hoping maybe natalie portman will rub off on me.
something that pisses me off is when people need other people to save them from reality. mostly becos i know how that goes.
im really glad im independant nowadays.
today brennen was opening doors for me and i told him to go adn i closed it and opened it again for myself.
he got mad, thaaat i didnt intend.
i wish i could get a job cos i also hate when people have to pay for me.
and i want a car so i dont need people to get me.
i want to do things on my own.
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[Tuesday
July 18th, 2006] |
so things are still going good, im over sleeping and i hate it..
i slept for a total of 15 hours today..
counting my 3 1/2 hour nap.
alkfakfa.
so thats the only reason i feel shitty.
well acutally no, theres another thing thats going on thats not too good.
but im not feeling shitty about it.
im not going to write about it here though cos its acutally pretty ridiculous.
this is where me not trusting people comes in.
ajksffa!
anyways.
i eat like a fucking tank.
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| i will find a way without you. |
[Monday
July 17th, 2006] |
you think you have me all figured out? think again.
if you figured me out, you would realize you wont get away with this.
you wont win this.
not against me.
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